Special One

Dear Special One,

Growing up, we were best friends. I remember the first conversation we had about being the hated middle child. We were in your backyard sitting on that white bench by the stairs to go into the basement. From there, our relationship only blossomed. We shared so many things with each other and I always wished that I could bring you into my family as my older sister. I followed you everywhere, even into high school. We did bad things and cut school all the time. Those were the good old days. But then everything changed. There was a bad guy and he did something very bad to you. I hated him and I wanted to save you from him. But you stayed with him. And I resented you for that. I became so emotionally exhausted trying to get you out of there. But you stayed. I remembered I did something so dumb which was to give you an ultimatum. I said it was either him or me and that I would stop talking to you if you continued to talk to him. You never answered me, but you continued to talk to him so I took that as your answer. And from there we drifted. For about two years we stopped talking. Until one day you called me up in tears and asked to see me. You were thinking about killing yourself and it was an emergency. I ran out of school and met up with you immediately. We sat in the 34th street Macy’s for around 3-4 hours just catching up. You told me all that has happened in the past couple of years when we stopped talking and I just remember feeling so guilty. I felt like I was responsible for everything that happened to you. Later after we met we spoke on the phone again. You told me you were going to be with your ex-boyfriend whom I also didn’t approve of and I told you not to see him. That you CAN NOT see him. That I forbid you to see him. And then you said something really important that made me rethink everything that I was feeling. You said that I couldn’t tell you what to do and that I can’t control you. I remember feeling bitter at first. But I’m just looking out for you, can’t you see that I care so much about you! But it dawned on me that it was true. I couldn’t control you and that you were in charge of your own decisions. I imposed my beliefs onto you and I became so invested in your decisions that I felt like they were a direct attack on me. I took it too personally and for that I am sorry. Although I still do not agree with the people you surround yourself in and the situations you put yourself through I know that you are the one in charge of your life. I think from that moment on, I think that was the start of me understanding my place in my friend’s life. That I ultimately can not tell them what to do, no matter how much I disagree. I think that after that I just learned to be there, and not to abandon them. We both grew up, but I hope we don’t grow apart. You are truly a special one to me.

Love you always,

Quinn

 

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Maintaining Relationships

There is this unbearable feeling of guilt when I encounter someone that I was once close to. This feeling of guilt is as if I had abandoned our relationship, but I think it was mainly because we couldn’t relate to each other anymore. This feeling came over me last weekend when I saw my cousin for our Lunar New Year gathering. I can go in more detail in another post about my relationship with this special one, but for now, I just wanted to discuss this feeling. I think it has a lot to do with nostalgia. You constantly think about how so many things have changed. I think that change is inevitable, but it catches you off guard when your relationships are affected by internal and external changes. Sometimes we change faster than those around us, and sometimes people change faster than we can catch up.

I wanted to bring this up because although I had this feeling last week, there has been multiple times in my life where I’ve grown apart from someone that I had once imagined growing old with. Even with friends from high school, where I thought I would continue my friendships with them throughout my college career, but after freshmen year, a lot of us lost contact. Honestly, I really only have one friend from high school that I still talk to.

After graduating from university, it seems much harder to maintain my friendships. We all have our own lives and I feel like without an institution or system in place for us to routinely see each other we honestly take for granted the accessibility of our friends. No longer are our friends only across the hall in our dorms. Now it is honestly up to us to really cherish these relationships that we have and to take the time to invest in them. If my friends and I stopped talking, I feel like it would be so strange, and I’d have this deep sense of abandonment.

Do you guys have trouble maintaining friendships out of school? I think I really need to reach out a lot more. I hope you enjoyed me rambling. I’ll speak with you all soon!

Quinn

When Misery Loves Company

“Cash Me Outside How Bow Dah!”

Last weekend or so was Lunar New Year and my family decided to have a family gathering. After the death of my grandmother, there hasn’t been a need to gather as much since a huge reason we used to have all these family gatherings was so my grandmother could see all her grandchild in the same space. So before the dinner, one of my aunts decided to stop by my house to relax and see my mom. However, this is when my patience and my temper were really tested.

When you are young, and your aunties are being rude to you, you just smile and take it cause you don’t really know how to act. Or at least your parents would pinch you hard enough so that you wouldn’t act out. But when you a grown ass adult,  your parents don’t pinch your legs anymore, so when they disrespect you, you say “Cash me outside how bow dah!”  Just kidding, but you know what I mean.

Let me break this down to you. My aunt, from the moment you encounter her, looks for something to talk shit about. She is one of those people that will go out of their way to put you down. And I’ll be honest, when I saw her on Sunday, she said some disrespectful ass shit to my mom and me. And it really got me down. I started to really think badly about myself. But it took one phone call from my sister for me to realize that my aunt is just a miserable person. That she was miserable in her own life, which is why she is such a negative person. If she isn’t happy, no one else around her deserved to be.

And this brings me to the moral of the story. There are going to be people that you encounter and they will try to bring you down. From my short conversation with my sister, she explained that to really get back at my Aunt was to become a sense of pride for myself and my family. That I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am. It’s going to be hard. I definitely let it get to me, and she saw that and it made her happy. But if all else fails, she can just CATCH THESE HANDS! YA FEEL ME! 

Hehe, I hope you enjoyed my little story! Family gatherings can be dreadful but remember to be shameless and do you boo! (Shoutout to Shameless Maya) Speak with you soon!

Quinn

 

 

My Anxiety

Recently my feelings of anxiety have been triggered by the most random things. This usually doesn’t happen so I thought it would be good for me to jot it down. My anxiety used to be triggered by big projects and large social gatherings like school galas and stuff, but since I have finished school I haven’t had any projects to give me anxiety.

So this morning I was watching a video on my Facebook feed about a student with autism and for his senior English class, he had to write a personal narrative about an event that shifted his perspective on life. And something he said really triggered my anxiety and I sobbed on the phone with my boyfriend for a bit.  Since he has autism it’s hard for him to connect with others and he said recalled a time when he was 12 that he really realized how lonely he was. And maybe because that kind of realization is so powerful that it resonated with me. I’ve always prided myself as a homebody and an independent person. And of course, I don’t think that I am alone in anyway. I have wonderful friends, siblings, and boyfriend that care about me deeply. But it’s when I know that no one really knows what goes on in my head that makes me feel lonely. It’s that maybe even I can’t even navigate through my inner demons myself that I can’t even resort to talking to others. Maybe that’s why seeing a therapist can help. A stranger that has no relation to you that makes me feel the most comfortable talking about things like this.

Well yeah, that’s has been my morning so far. I know anxiety can be a strange thing and the weirdest things can set off an anxiety attack. I know at the time the most irrelevant things can somehow resonate with people.  But what have you guys been triggered by recently? I’d love to know…

Speak with you all soon!

Quinn

Words of Affirmation

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” 

Well not for me. It’s only been of recent that I’ve realized how much words can really uplift or defeat me. This is related to the 5 love languages that I have recently found out about.

For me, my most prominent language is words of affirmation and only after learning about this did I realize how much words mean to me. I don’t know, I feel like in order for me to feel appreciated or loved someone has to tell me. And although I hate compliments at times, it still feels nice to get some without having to fish for them.

So this got me thinking back to why words are so important to me, and I think that when I was a young girl, my parents would always verbally berate me. The words still ring inside of me like ” You’re so useless. You’re not as bright as your siblings. You’re so lazy etc” And trust me, it didn’t get any better as I got older. Also if you’re Chinese, your parents probably always trashed on you in front of others as a form of “showing face” or being “humble” but honestly that’s a bunch of shit. Like I would always grill my mom whenever she threw me under the bus! For instance“Oh my, your daughter is so pretty!” “Oh her? No! she’s so ugly, her teeth are busted so we are getting her braces next year. Your daughter though… Beautiful!” Like what the fuck man. And as a result, I was always uncomfortable whenever I received compliments. It’s only as of recent that I’ve been accepting them and saying thank you. It’s kind of crazy whenever I try tracing back into the past to understand my current habits. It’s like small things and remarks from my parents that really traumatized me and altered my sense of self-worth. But yeah I just found it fascinating and thought I would share with you all. Let me know if any of you have discovered what your love language is, I’d love to know!

Speak with you soon.

Quinn

Am I a Part of the Problem?

Hey, it’s been a while and we have lots to catch up on. But first, there has been something on my mind lately. I have to do with me and my way of being a supportive friend. I have always been that friend that supports their choices no matter what because in all honesty, they can do whatever they want with their life. And although I can disagree with their choices, I never deter them from whatever they set their mind to. But then that kind of is at the root of what I am feeling. It is this anxious feeling that I get from never stopping them from whatever they want to do cause in my head it feels morally wrong. So I have been feeling like I’ve become an enabler of sorts. Someone that supports even the most destructive behaviors. It can be from supporting a friend to getting a sugar daddy, to intensely flirting with a guy in a committed long-distance relationship. Of course, I let them know my opinion about everything first, but I alway end everything with something like “ultimately, it’s your life and you can do whatever you want etc”.  I know that deep down it’s ultimately not my fault, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve caused the future situations from happening that could have been prevented.

Another part of why I also feel like I’m that supportive friend is because I’ve been in their shoes as well. I’ve dealt with my own unsupportive and judgmental friends, so I know that in times where you kind of doubt yourself, all you need is some assurance and support. Like heck I know that even in their own morals they know that getting a sugar daddy is lowkey like prostitution, but that what they want to get into so who am I to say “no you fucking whore that’s not fucking right/ don’t you have any respect for yourself?”  Or  “Hey that guy has a fucking girlfriend, why the fuck are you being a homewrecker?” Cause I’m sure that that’s what they are thinking of too. I also have lost a lot of friends like that too. Where I feel like they judge me so much that I stop myself from telling them anything. And that’s something that I really don’t want to happen. I want them to be comfortable with me to talk about that kind of intimate stuff because who knows who else they would go to for that kind of stuff.

So yeah, those are the two sides to my internal situation. Am I wrong?Am I right? In being supportive, do I sacrifice my own moral sanity? How do you guys go about talking to your friends?

EDIT: After re-reading this post over again I feel like I wasn’t very clear with what I meant by being an enabler. I feel like because in a way since I don’t reject my friends and their habits or decisions, it gives them the green light to continue with these toxic ways of being. And I feel like I’m the fuel to their fire. That because I don’t extinguish their thoughts that they continue to embed themselves deeper into the situation. I hope that clarifies some of my feelings for you guy!

Anyways, I’ll talk to you soon!

Quinn

Self-Peace

When I was younger I was severely jealous of my younger sister. In fact, I hated her. Why you ask? How could I not, she was the youngest out of all of us. She needed the most attention. Attention that I crazed from my parents and everyone else. My brother and me used to pick on her together. But could you blame me for being jealous? I wasn’t even two year old until they kicked me out of the crib to make room for her. I can specifically remember a time where I waited outside the room for her to leave her crib and I swiftly jumped into the crib and pretended to sleep. It was a really nice feeling. Kind of like a feeling of victory after you take back what was rightfully yours. But that was short lived when she came back to find me there. She cried until my mother came and told me to get out of my sisters crib. Even though it was mine first.  For people who’ve never had siblings probably can never relate to me. It was hard because I was constantly compared to my siblings. We compared heights, grades, the number of teeth we had, for God sakes we even had bubble-blowing contests. Growing up with siblings has its perks and downfalls. For me, my sister became my best friend. But lately it’s been quite lonely. She lives in a different state now for school, and I haven’t talked to her in a while. It makes me sad sometimes when I don’t see her. My brother was my first best friend. Like I said we both kind of picked on my sister, but now that I’m looking back at it, it wasn’t the coolest thing we could do. You know it wasn’t her fault, she probably was so sad thinking “What did I ever do to make you guys hate me?” and this is something that I want to become more aware of. I have so much hate in my heart toward people that probably never did anything wrong to deserve this. It was my own mindset that made me react this way. I think my siblings helped me through a lot of shit. And to be honest they are one of the main reasons for me to stay alive.

During a leadership conference this past year, there was an activity that we had where we wrote down all the things that were important to us onto these index cards. The things we had to write out ranged from people to material possessions, to even places. And after everything was written out, we had to discard them in waves until the handful of cards was shaved down to only three cards. I remember tearing up a bit because it was so hard to throw away these cards. Even though they weren’t actually being thrown out, the act of discarding made me feel like I was saying that they no longer mattered to me. The hardest card for me to through out was the one with my grandmother. If you read my last post you know how much she meant to me. But I had to do so because the last three cards I had with me were my dog, my sister, and my brother. This activity showed me what kept me going and what I was really living for. They mean so much to me that they keep me alive.

Sorry, this was kind of a sappy post, but I hope you enjoy it regardless! Speak with you soon.

Love,

Quinn