Special One

Dear Special One,

Growing up, we were best friends. I remember the first conversation we had about being the hated middle child. We were in your backyard sitting on that white bench by the stairs to go into the basement. From there, our relationship only blossomed. We shared so many things with each other and I always wished that I could bring you into my family as my older sister. I followed you everywhere, even into high school. We did bad things and cut school all the time. Those were the good old days. But then everything changed. There was a bad guy and he did something very bad to you. I hated him and I wanted to save you from him. But you stayed with him. And I resented you for that. I became so emotionally exhausted trying to get you out of there. But you stayed. I remembered I did something so dumb which was to give you an ultimatum. I said it was either him or me and that I would stop talking to you if you continued to talk to him. You never answered me, but you continued to talk to him so I took that as your answer. And from there we drifted. For about two years we stopped talking. Until one day you called me up in tears and asked to see me. You were thinking about killing yourself and it was an emergency. I ran out of school and met up with you immediately. We sat in the 34th street Macy’s for around 3-4 hours just catching up. You told me all that has happened in the past couple of years when we stopped talking and I just remember feeling so guilty. I felt like I was responsible for everything that happened to you. Later after we met we spoke on the phone again. You told me you were going to be with your ex-boyfriend whom I also didn’t approve of and I told you not to see him. That you CAN NOT see him. That I forbid you to see him. And then you said something really important that made me rethink everything that I was feeling. You said that I couldn’t tell you what to do and that I can’t control you. I remember feeling bitter at first. But I’m just looking out for you, can’t you see that I care so much about you! But it dawned on me that it was true. I couldn’t control you and that you were in charge of your own decisions. I imposed my beliefs onto you and I became so invested in your decisions that I felt like they were a direct attack on me. I took it too personally and for that I am sorry. Although I still do not agree with the people you surround yourself in and the situations you put yourself through I know that you are the one in charge of your life. I think from that moment on, I think that was the start of me understanding my place in my friend’s life. That I ultimately can not tell them what to do, no matter how much I disagree. I think that after that I just learned to be there, and not to abandon them. We both grew up, but I hope we don’t grow apart. You are truly a special one to me.

Love you always,

Quinn

 

Maintaining Relationships

There is this unbearable feeling of guilt when I encounter someone that I was once close to. This feeling of guilt is as if I had abandoned our relationship, but I think it was mainly because we couldn’t relate to each other anymore. This feeling came over me last weekend when I saw my cousin for our Lunar New Year gathering. I can go in more detail in another post about my relationship with this special one, but for now, I just wanted to discuss this feeling. I think it has a lot to do with nostalgia. You constantly think about how so many things have changed. I think that change is inevitable, but it catches you off guard when your relationships are affected by internal and external changes. Sometimes we change faster than those around us, and sometimes people change faster than we can catch up.

I wanted to bring this up because although I had this feeling last week, there has been multiple times in my life where I’ve grown apart from someone that I had once imagined growing old with. Even with friends from high school, where I thought I would continue my friendships with them throughout my college career, but after freshmen year, a lot of us lost contact. Honestly, I really only have one friend from high school that I still talk to.

After graduating from university, it seems much harder to maintain my friendships. We all have our own lives and I feel like without an institution or system in place for us to routinely see each other we honestly take for granted the accessibility of our friends. No longer are our friends only across the hall in our dorms. Now it is honestly up to us to really cherish these relationships that we have and to take the time to invest in them. If my friends and I stopped talking, I feel like it would be so strange, and I’d have this deep sense of abandonment.

Do you guys have trouble maintaining friendships out of school? I think I really need to reach out a lot more. I hope you enjoyed me rambling. I’ll speak with you all soon!

Quinn

Grandma’s Favorite

I was my grandmother’s favorite grand kid. Everyone told me I was her favorite. It wasn’t a secret. She favored me out of all of them(Probably because no one else liked me but whatever right). As I mentioned in my previous post, my parents had me and my sister once they came to the United States. But with their demanding jobs and twelve hour work days, they were never able to care of me and my siblings so my grandmother was our main caretaker. Our family stayed in a small two bedroom apartment in Brooklyn until I was about two or three years old and then we moved to our current home where we haven’t left since. My parents’ room had a queen size bed and a small crib. The other room had two twin size beds where me, my brother and grandmother slept. Until I was around 5 years old I could not sleep in my bed unless my grandmother was sleeping right next to me. I have so many fond memories of her.

She passed away when I was a freshmen in college. During the last years of her life, she suffered from dementia and an injured hip (Along with many other health complications like high blood pressure, diabetes, acid reflux and etc but those were the two that I remembered the most). For anyone who has watched their loved one age can relate to how hard it is to cope with. It was hard to accept that she could no longer do the things that she did when she was younger. She was always super active. She was an early riser and and late sleeper. She took care of her garden everyday during the warm weather and was always cooking during the cold winters. Although it was really hard for me, I knew that she was the one who took it the hardest. She was never the type to ask for help (I probably get that from her). She always felt like she was a nuisance and didn’t want to bother anyone. So to go from that to needing help with everyday tasks, like going to that bathroom or showering, made her feel ashamed and embarrassed.

During my senior year in high school that I was so stressed out about applying for colleges and taking the SATs. I can remember that during the month of October 2011 I cried myself to sleep every night. I was so lost and anxious about my future. And because I was so consumed in myself that I didn’t care for my grandma. I feel so ashamed to admit this but to be honest, I neglected her. I never went out of my way to visit her room, (where she was now confined to because of her injuries) or to have a conversation with her. I was living in a bubble. The bubble that made me think that she would be here forever. You know, it’s a little dumb now, but I grow up thinking that everyone lives until they are one hundred years old, and my grandma was only eighty three so I thought she had a couple more years. I remember thinking to myself “Once I get accepted to college and everything, then I’ll have time to spend with her!” I was so stupid.

It was the first funeral that I ever attended. I remember crying so much. Everyone was. Even my father, whom I never saw cry  (I actually didn’t see him cry,  my brother and sister told me he did so I guess I’ve still never seen him cry). The funeral was split into two parts. The first day everyone came and walked passed her coffin and bowed to her. The next day the body was transported to the graveyard where we had our final goodbyes. I think it was the finality of everything that made me really sad. It was real now. She’s gone.

Looking back now, I’m ashamed to say that I was her favorite. I don’t deserve that title. How can I boost that I was her favorite when I wasn’t even there when she died. It was something I was so proud of being when I was younger. It was the only thing that made me happy, she was the only one who cared about my happiness. And I was so consumed in my own life that I neglected the woman that supported me from birth. If she were here now, all I would want her to know is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you passed away. I’m sorry that I couldn’t comfort you in your time of need. I’m sorry I was anger when you didn’t remember or recognize me. I’m sorry that I wanted the “old you” back  when I should’ve just accepted YOU. Although it does comfort me to know that she’s in a better place now, my greatest regret in life is that I couldn’t repay her for all that she has done for me and now I will never be able to…

That’s all I can muster up for now, speak with you all soon.

Love,

Quinn